[Satire] CAGD is hiring!

The CAGD (Chaos Association of Greater Detroit) Board is looking to fill an open position.  If you have the right qualifications and agree to the following terms, we would like to hear from you:

• Your job title will be "Imam".
• You must be a religious scholar of high distinction.
• Even though you’d be the Imam, you agree to be treated worse than an employee.  You’d technically be a contractor with renewable term limits.  We can call you an employee if that makes you feel better.
• Must be willing to sign a contract drawn by the board, for the board, and heavily in favor of the board, leaving you with very little protection or benefits in the event of an almost certain sudden termination.  To make us look humane, instead of the harsh word “termination”, we’d simply refer to it as “not renewing” your contract.
• Must be willing to go without medical benefits for extended periods of time.  On the brighter side, we do have some healthcare professionals on the board who can dispense advice or free OTC medicine samples if you or family fall sick.
• Must be willing to serve as a "yes-man" for the board, even for the most ridiculous ideas or demands.
• Must be willing to not call out the board that has no problem bending the rules in its favor when it suits.
• Must be willing to suppress your rightful indignation or the truth especially when truth can hurt some folks.
• Must be willing to put up with folks on the board who sometimes think they know more than a scholar or are at a higher pedestal than you.
• Must be willing to serve for maybe a decade, and then get fired without notice or decent severance benefits most likely just as you'd arrive fresh from Hajj.
• Must be willing to make sincere dua in Arafat for the very same people and their families who, unbeknownst to you, would be the ones conspiring to terminate you upon your return.
• Must be willing to get accused of not fulfilling contractual obligations without the due process of written periodic performance evaluations.
• Must not go above and beyond in trying to protect the reputation of the institution or young minds.  Must not protest the invitations sent behind your back to controversial online sheikhs to visit and lecture the youths.
• Must not think outside the box to help the community navigate through the challenges of western and current landscape. Must not deliver scholarly talks on virtues of the “other” fiqhi opinions, unless you want to alienate a whole bunch of, shall we say, members set in their own rigid ways.
• Must be willing to maintain a smile and work, especially with a tiny faction who profess to be your friends in front of you, not realizing they would back-stab you or turn against you at the first opportune moment.
• Must not talk about the secretive CAGD Foundation, or about who ultimately legally owns the CAGD land and property.
• Must avoid, at all cost, bringing up CAGD Foundation during fundraisers or the 401j speeches.
• Must not get tired of hearing, time and over again during fundraisers, the glorious mentions of the “founding fathers”, or of the sisters as “the backbone” of the community who never asked for or needed a mezzanine in the first place.
• Must not talk about the past un-islamic and unethical act, of buying bulk memberships to get favorable votes, by someone who got rewarded with a 10yr position on the board.
• Must be willing to look the other way from the unscrupulous nepotism prevalent in the board ranks.
• Must be willing to, at behest of the board, conduct long motivational fundraising during Ramadan, despite repeated protests from the wary congregants.
• Must not become too popular among the community, or as they would say “too polarizing”.
• Must be willing to not complain about the sub-standard compensation and non-competitive benefits.
• Lastly, must be willing to agree to the totally unrealistic and impractical laundry list of expectations from a 21st century imam, as illustrated here:
  
  

If you can't agree to all of the above, too bad your standards aren't at par with ours. If you can, the board would gleefully welcome your application.  Good luck, and may the best yes-man land the job!

Rather unfaithfully yours,
CAGD Board

The above post is intended for a mature, sophisticated and discerning audience.  Any resemblance to the truth, persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof of such persons and is not intended to communicate any true or factual information about that person.